(no subject)

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Whether I can or I can't, I'm going to chuck some words out there. No doubt they'll have as much relivance to my life as a jackie chan film watched by sixth formers high on Cigars.

I'll lay something down, I've been very depressed for the last two weeks, very very depressed. I'm struggling to keep it togther to not submitting into rolling into a ball and just not moving till I die. Melodramatic sounding? Perhaps it does, But I think to anyone it'd sound melodramatic coming from me. Because I've never discussed 'whats up' or perhaps I have if you've tracked back trough bloggster, dispensablehero,mafia_boy etc then you do know the ups and downs but nothing of late.

I've very much been fed up of my lot in life for a while and even more so that I live in a place which causes me nothing but stress, I actualy now go to work to 'relax'. This has strained my mood and my relationships elsewhere even being a defining cause in spoiling time spent togther.

And now I'm left here, not truly knowing how I feel, How to say it. But knowing those Three Words aren't enough to fix it.

On to the next post.

(no subject)

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(no subject)

I got the whole world in the palm of my hand, I could close my fist and make it crumble ridicolous or show the word the brand New Nemesis.

Last night. I got drunk, I did coke, I chilled with friends, danced to dodgy music, got down. I went back to a friends house, listned to music chilled out and then walked back 'home' in the rain . I sat on the door-step for two hours the rain pouring down my face my drunken thoughts running a drift paranoia and insecurity reigning free. but all I could do was grin. The era's ended. i got my answer, I got my closure. I'm free. Lets not back-peddal here, I was on the right track, but on the wrong train and its like that. I stumbled into the pub having spent ten minutes trying to get in.

There where five of us there and the conversastion was the usual old people deep shit, I embraced it took it at face value and from it all I learnt alot about it. What I valued the most was the reinforcement, drunkly I could state very bold statements which could land either way and they where reciveved and respected from five drunk men with experince of life, coming from diffrent backgrounds a man who's had three wifes, an ex boxer who's had two children shot, a man who's worked for the system all his life, a man who's so entangled with facts and being 'correct' that h e can't accept we're all incapable from first prncipal to have a subjctive view on life. It may of been drunken banter and even if they where just humoring me, It made me question myself and my motivation and it made me want to be so much more. It made me want to persue my happyness.

I won't be doing coke again.
I won't be getting that drunk
I won't be sitting on the door step in the rain
and I'll never be the same again

I can't be held responsiable.
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible.
She fell in love in the first place

It's amasing how perspective of songs changes based on cirumstance, I always listned to Dido's surrender.. and thought it was about someone who wouldn't give up fighting for someones love. But it isn't, its about someone who accepts the loss but will still always love the person and hopes theres some going back maybe ten, twenty years down the line but isn't holding there breath, they're not waiting for the other person. But they'll still always love them.

you may of heard you may of not Me and Belinda are over shes decided her husbands a better long-term option and so I'm bowing out gracefully.

(no subject)

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (and they know who they are.) I don't watch much TV these days.  (I can't afford a tv license.) × I own lots of books(I'm not intelligent enough to read.)
I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (But only around those I don't want to facy me.) I love to play video games.  (when I can find the time.) I've tried marijuana.  (and embarssed myself amongst idiots.)
I've watched porn movies.  (and laughed so hard) × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (but rarley tell the truth)
I curse sometimes.  (and very rarley I'll speak nicely) I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (I'm alot more relaxed) × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
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(no subject)

So.. woosh.

Haven't penned my thoughts into here for a little while. I haven't had time to wield my weapon of words and take a bashing at my foes from my high horse and flash my conceited smile.

I don't travel in the same e-circles anymore and those I do are very small and very distant. I don't hang out in those 'chatrooms' anymore and I won't be attending Muggle Meet.. though, I never have in the past. I was considering it this year. But I don't see myself being as too welcome or wanting too share the company of the people going., So everyones happy.

I'll give a brief outline of whats going on in my life for those on my friends-list who still care mynameisrobyn I'm still waitingfor my monkey by the by.

I've got a new job, I'm a Warehouse Supervisor who also trudges about The Fresh and Chilled department helping out in Morrisons. Yeah, Same job diffrent store. But its all good.. a good bunch of people, Ok money and a good laugh. My social lifes fairly laid back a great deal of time spent outside, working out, on the beach, chilling out.

Girlfriends? None, I've decided to be single.. Given I haven't been since I was 13.. Five years on in and out of relationships off and on, I think its about time I went back to my grass-roots and reminded myself what I stood for on my own terms, without trying to accomdate every woman that falls into my arms.

Sam's coming over from America, apparently for a weeks visit the first week of August, Liz and Laura from cardigan are coming over on the 1st of july with the rest of the cardigan troop from a big piss up here in Aber and Lizzy my former flat-mate will be coming down to stay with me and J for a bit over the summer..

I went through a very brief spout of depression, self reflection and.. self correction and yes I've been a prick.

Have a good one!